I think I’m seeing clearer nowadays. Figuratively of course. I’m finally figuring out where my talent and interest lie and understanding that not everything I like’s meant for me. No matter how much I try to be superhuman like the people I admire, I realise more now that everyone’s got different limits to how much they can handle. For the really high acheivers, that limit lies somewhere in the stratosphere but for mortals like me, I need to learn where to stop.
Someone once pointed out that I either want too many things or I don’t know what I want. I just can’t figure out why I have to give some things up just so I can have others. It’s some stupid greedy streak in me that just wants to have a hand in everything. Everything from arts to science, from leadership to academics, from planning projects to volunteering for them, from working hard to playing hard. Something’s got to give eventually and health’s usually the first brick to fall. Then grades. Or relationships. You can’t have everything. That’s nature’s rule.
I like rest. It’s quiet moments when I’m bogged down only by the smaller and less naggy worries (like PW) that I finally get to draw close to God. It’s also the time I get to reflect on the things that He’s been doing. You know how sometimes you pray so fervently for something, but God doesn’t seem to answer you? He does actually.
Some people say that time’s a two-way mirror. A two-way mirror allows you to see from a darkened room into a lighted one but not vice-versa. When applied to time, we call it ”retrospect”. God would probably call it dramatic irony. Sometimes when we pray, we have in our minds already painted such vivid images of that object of desire that when He answers our prayers in a different way from what we expect, we think He must either be hard of hearing or sleeping. So we keep pestering our tireless God with our tiresome requests and everytime He tries to tell us that He’s already done it for us, our hardened hearts deny it. It’s only later on when He takes it away from us that we realise how we’ve been made fools.
We serve a God of creation, a God who knows how everything falls into place in the jigsaw frame of time. So don’t expect your second-rate plans to be answered down to the minutest details. There’s an infinte number of ways God can answer you and if you can’t hear that answer because you’re tuned to a different wavelength, you’ll miss it. So I’m reminding myself to listen closely to God so I know exactly what He’s doing in my life and I don’t miss anything out. I’m so embarassed to say that there were times when I prayed till tears came and still couldn’t see God’s hand. And now I just feel stupid and I’m praying God will show enough mercy to give me another chance.
On a side note, Youth Day’s today! (Actually it’s yesterday but today feels more like it.) It feels great to go out again. We’re shopping for Sadikin’s long overdue birthday present. Sorry dear! Oh yea, I can’t wait to watch Hedge Ledger as the Joker once the new movie comes out! The media’s totally buzzing about how stellar his “dark and anarchic” performance as the supervillian was.
