Endings and new beginnings

So I’ve come to the precipice of a new beginning. And man, it’s scarier than I thought it would be. The future that until now has been mostly planned out for me has suddenly spawned an infinite number of routes I can take. The trouble is, every single one of them is covered with the fog of time. I can’t help thinking that 20 years down the road I would look back at this point in time and wonder what if I’d chosen another road.

Which reminds of a famous poem that almost everyone knows, Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken”. Here’s the last stanza:

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The problem with this poem is that a lot of people read it the way they want it to end – happy. They use it to reaffirm themselves that the path less travelled by is the better one because they think the difference is positive. But that is NOT the case, as I found out after listening to a video of a lecture by a Literature professor.

No where in the poem is there any evidence to say that the difference is a positive one. In fact, there isn’t any evidence as to what kind of “sigh” the speaker speaks of: whether it’s resigned, satisfied, nostalgic… And most interestingly of all, there is no clear evidence of the path taken being the one “less travelled by”.  The 3rd stanza clearly says there really wasn’t any clear difference between either path “And both that morning equally lay/ In leaves no step had trodden black.”

Thus, most literary experts believe that the popular interpretation is wrong. The poem is not about an assertion of individualism. It’s a portrait of indecisiveness. The speaker cannot decide which path to take and even when he has taken one, he still thinks upon the time when he had to choose. And because he took one path, it has made all the difference.

Life sucks like that. We’re never clear whether the difference made by choosing one path over another is good or bad. We’d like to think it’s a good difference. But we can’t be sure. All we know is that it has made a difference. And that I guess, is what scares us.

Personally, I think no matter what path I choose, God will continue to bless me as long as I remain faithful to Him. But what I’m worried about is not fulfilling my full potential. I know many people don’t believe in destiny. But I’m one of the few who do. Moses was destined to lead the children of Israel out of slavery in Egypt. Jesus was destined to die on the cross to redeem all mankind. Paul was destined to be a servant of the gospel even though he wasn’t one of the original twelve apostles and instead was persecuting Christians.

I’m scared that I’m being tempted by paths that appear attractive but are actually not for me. I think I can feel that God is calling me down one way but my mind always doubts, asks whether it’s really Him, or just my own desires. Therefore, I’m still keeping my mind open and being rather undecided. When will you ever know what is the best way to go? Must I talk to a burning bush before I know?

My youth leader told me that from experience, there usually isn’t a clear voice from God instructing us on big matters like studies or marriage. But God puts certain desires and promptings in our hearts. When it comes down to decision time,  He wants us to just trust that our future is in His hands and take a step into the dark. That’s why it’s called FAITH.

On a lighter note, I’m living the good life now. (Almost) No stress, no exams, no school! I’ve lost my clubbing virginity. xD I’ve watched heart bypass surgery. (super cool!) So far holidays have been gooood. (:

Oh yea, I couldn’t help thinking when I was jumping up and down and going slightly crazy over music by some UK deejay at Zirca that worship should be as passionate as this too. No, I’m not deriding conservative churches for not jumping up and down like clubbers. But I’m beginning to understand better why churches with a large percentage of youths in their congregation worship like they’re in a rock concert. Cos if that’s what the youths do anyway in clubs, then how much more they should be doing it when they’re in church, jumping not because of alcohol and music, but because they are worshiping the true and living God.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Poetry

I haven’t written any poetry for a really long time so yesterday when I tried editing some of my poems I found it super difficult. Anyway, I’ve realised that the flaw in most of my poetry is really the language and rhythm. I don’t have much problems with imagery but getting my lines not to sound too prose-like is quite a big challenge for me.

Today I was in church when I suddenly got inspiration for a new poem. It happened when I was singing a worship song and thinking about what an honour it is to be the son of the King of heaven. I’ve only written one other semi-religious poem so I guess this can count as a first attempt at religious poetry. I used to think that there wasn’t much to say about God that hadn’t already been said and besides, who wants to read religious poetry in the 21st century anyway? (unless that poetry is by some famous poet) But praise God, I’ll just write whatever He wants me to write, whether anyone reads it or not.

If you would care to, this is the poem I just crafted. The style seems slightly reminiscent of George Herbert, but it’s hard not to get influenced when you’re studying his poetry for Literature. (: Glory be to God Almighty!

The Robe

I sought an audience with my Lord
and thought it best I dress to please
but alas when I knelt before the throne
I saw I wore not woven silk
but some hoary rags
called Sin and Shame.

But my Lord who saw his child
shivering naked at his feet,
took off his great robe
of purple and clothed me
in that glory his own Son wore.

Now as he departs
and I stand amongst men
who marvel at its rich tapestry,
I open my mouth to boast
but hear my Lord whisper,
“This is Humility”

and then I understood.

Compassion

Hallelujah!

Just went to City Harvest today and listened to Dr. A. R. Bernard. And wow, his message was really powerful. He shared the story of the good Samaritan in Luke 10 and I never knew that so much could be read from this short parable. The sermon really touched my heart today but more importantly, it was an answer to a question that I had asked God.

Recently, I’ve been rather disillusioned regarding service to the community. For some reason, I’d begun thinking a lot about what I’m really doing community service projects for. Was it for the record? The CIP hours? But I’ve had more than enough of that quite frankly. So why on earth am I still embarking on this new project? Especially at this time when we’re supposed to have stopped all our CIP commitments to concentrate on our studies. I just couldn’t help but feel that I should never have agreed to organise the event in the first place. Then I would start feeling guilty that by taking up this task, I had deprived the beneficiary from other volunteers who might have more time to commit. I knew deep in my heart, that God wants us to serve others.So why did I still feel so reluctant now that I could really impact the less fortunate? So one night when I was praying, I asked God to reveal a verse in the Bible that would remind me of this. Closed my eyes and flipped to Jeremiah. Nothing about serving there. Disappointed and weary, I went to sleep. But praise God, I may have forgotten about it the next morning but my God never forgets.

The topic of Dr. Bernard’s sermon: Compassion. How does the church manifest the love of God to a dying world who doesn’t know God? Learn from Jesus’ example: Jesus didn’t just preach in a cave on the mountain tops like some hermit guru. He showed the people God’s love in a form that they could easily see and understand. ”Love thy neighbour as yourself.” The answer to all my questions was God’s second greatest commandment! How could I forget? An amazingly simple answer to all my questions! I’ve known this from the start of my Christian life, but I just couldn’t see that that was the answer!

We serve not out of obligation, religious duty, or for personal glorification like others do, but to show the world what this “love of God” really means! If we really love God, we can’t help but help. I promise God, I’m giving my best this time. Not going to get distracted by what others think, or my discouraging thoughts. And hopefully, if the people I work with can sense that I’m functioning with the love of God, they would see this service as more than just an obligation to fulfil. And that would be the best testimony for Christ.

I think the moment when Dr. Bernard really blew the roof off was when he finished his sermon by saying ”Jesus saw all of these people, from the religious expert, the bandits, the wounded man, the priest, the Levite, the inn keeper and the Samaritan, and deemed them all worth dying for.” (refer to Luke 10)

Such is the love of God that we’ll never fully comprehend.

By the way, praise God for his healing. People are beginning to notice an improvement. (:

Just the memory of your face

I’ve just realised how embarassing yet therapeutic it is to read my own old blog posts. And it’s only just been barely over a year. It’s almost like reading someone else’s thoughts. Scary.

Maybe a few months later, I’ll be embarassed by this post.

Seriously man, we change too much, too fast.

And I’m officially a published writer! Whee!

there’s nothing left here to remind me
just the memory of your face

Lessons

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-3)

The LORD is a God who both gives blessings and takes them away. Yet we should not be disheartened by the trials in life, but rather as James says, our perserverance should be strengthened instead.

Well, there’s no doubt that I’m undergoing a testing of my faith right now. (Those of you who know me better might understand what I mean. The change is pretty obvious.) I’ve never really seen this problem as a test of faith before and it’s only recently that I’ve come to this understanding. In fact, never in the past would I ever have expected to be a victim of such a problem. Yet, this is no doubt a trial, and I require the LORD’s grace more and more each day to enable me to carry on.

I thank my God for he is wise and in control of every situation and I stand by the verse in Romans that declares,  ”²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him”. Because I have been praying over this problem and yet it still persists, I’m fully convinced that it is God’s will for me to gain wisdom from this experience. That is why even though I ask in faith for this problem to be permanently removed, God still has not taken it away. Indeed, I’ve learnt many things through this experience which I intend to document, share and perhaps inspire. I’ll elaborate on one such lesson.

Faith

A few days ago Google changed the logo on its home page to feature “Ida”, the fossil that some scientists tout as the missing link in human evolutionary history. I admit I was initially apprehensive of this discovery and hesitated to go read up about it. When I did click on the logo, Google’s first search  result threw up a New York Times report. It quoted many excited scientists celebrating its discovery as a “Holy Grail of evolution” and gushing about how pictures of Ida would feature on science textbooks till the next century. In the face of such hype, I felt a little worried that it might cause those sitting on the fence between believing and not, to forever write Christianity of as archaic and unscientific.

However, when I went to investigate what other Christians had to say about this “momentous discovery”, I read about several arguments that did make a lot of sense to me. I’ve always felt that evolution was a highly theoretical area of biology and heavily reliant on many assumptions. This is in essence what the website said. Fossils cannot be used as “proof” of evolution because fossils are preserved, long-dead creatures, whereas evolution is a process. (If we look at Ida, it resembles nothing other than a lemur, and not even remotely human-like). It is only when evolution is assumed to be a correct model, that fossil evidence can be interpreted to be “proof” of common ancestors. Other than that, fossils are just records of past organisms that in no way show transitions between species even though they may share one or two common features. I won’t go on further about disputing the model of evolution that so many accept unquestioningly because that’s not my main point. (Many other arguments exist on the Internet – evolution is definitely not a foolproof theory)

My point is that as Christians, we don’t have to be afraid of the facts. Our God is a God of truth (we worship Him in spirit and in truth). We do not have to fear those who claim they have evidence to disprove biblical claims nor do we have to hush these findings up. God is both the author of the Bible and the giver of knowledge. If we look closely at the facts, there can be nothing that can possibly that can disprove the infallible teachings in the Bible. If God is true, why would He need anyone to defend His Word? Did He not create the very “evidence” that unbelievers attempt to use against Him? The facts will speak for themselves.

This is true for all kinds of trials. Though the physical evidence of suffering may lead people to question our faith and our God, our faith in Him must still hold, for we know that what they call “evidence” is really no evidence at all. People only look at what they can see on the surface, the suffering he endures in the body. But if it is a trial allowed by God, and we are bearing it with the right attitude, then there should be a renewal of our minds and a refinement of our faith that cannot be seen by men.

To understand patience in suffering we have to look at the two greatest sufferers in the Bible, Job and Jesus Christ. Job was afflicted with almost all kinds of misery, ridiculed by men, asked to curse God by his own wife and accused of sinning though he was righteous. Jesus Christ, for the sake of humanity’s salvation, suffered torture, public humiliation, and ultimately one of the most excruciating deaths – cruxification, all without once complaining. Both men, even while humbled to lowest states, did not curse God and trusted Him to accomplish his will in them. And see what happened in the end! Job was blessed back with twice as much as he had at first and Jesus set in place the final puzzle piece for a salvation that was prophesied centuries before.

Many Christians are unwilling to suffer even the least bit of suffering, perhaps in part due to the message of peace and prosperity being preached so often. It is true that God does have plans to prosper and bless us. But he also requires that we undergo trials so that we “may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”. To reject the trials and accept only blessings, we would be rejecting the complete will of God and thus not maturing as Christians.

In my situation, although my problem has caused me to face discouraging words, embarrassment, accusations, and even open ridicule, I thank God and praise Him because by it I have drawn closer to Him, knowing to rely solely on His grace to stand, and His wisdom to deal with my problem. I have also closened my walk with God in pursuing holiness such that God can use me as his vessel and hopefully heal me quickly. I have also learnt lessons on faith, on friendship, on perseverance, on humility and so much more that I would never have learnt if my life was smooth-sailing. Perhaps I will share on this at a later date.

So “in humble circumstances” I “take pride in [my] high position” and patiently wait upon the Lord, even though the pain wells up. I believe eventually He will heal me when I have learnt everything I need to learn from this episode. I pray and I have faith this is true. He will come and save me. (:

“Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; ⁴ say to those with fearful hearts, ”Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.” – Isaiah 35:3-4

For the longest time

So here I am, bored stiff and stuck at home. It’s pouring outside so I can’t (or rather, don’t feel like) going out. I know I haven’t posted for the LONGEST time but since I’ve finally ran out of things to do, I decided I’ll give a weak attempt to resuscitate this blog. 

I can’t possibly update any of you remaining readers with stuff that’s been happening cos there’s just too much that has already happened that I can’t quite remember. But I can tell you that I’ve been reading quite a lot these days – The Game, The Sandman series, Brisingr (I haven’t actually gotten down to reading it yet) and Twilight (which I want to read so that I can see if all the hype over it is appropriate)

I think I’m gonna change my ambition to becoming a psychologist. If you’ve known me long enough, you’ll know that the two things I’ve always wanted to become in future were doctor and writer. But after reading The Game, I’ve had this newfound admiration for psychologists. It seems so much more practical than other areas of medicine. You don’t need a stethoscope, or thermometers or any other fancy equipment that other doctors need to be able to read a person’s body language and pupil movements and deduce his thoughts. It’s a really fascinating area of study that can be applied outside of the office to any social situation, which will give you an edge in any social relationship (not just the romantic kinds). So next time you know when your friend/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/relative/subordinate is hiding something from you. His/her body language shows. Heck, it can even be applied to card games to tell if a player opposite you has a good or bad hand!

Best of all, it’s not entirely biochemical but also about annalysing real life human beings which is great, cos I’m not so turned on by a couple of printed facts and diagrams on a text book. It is also definitely helpful to my career as a writer, seeing as how most books are published on social issues or human interactions. It’ll help to understand how and why people behave under different circumstances. (I’m getting more and more convinced as I write this)

Oh and if you were looking for the obligatory update on life that bloggers like to give, I won’t disappoint you. I’m currently in this cool programme called the NYF where we get to learn about policies and stuff like that. Then we have to implement a social project and my workgroup is “Sex, Lies and Reality”. How cool is that? 

I’m also struggling to get inspiration for my next poem, which seems to be trickling into my brain too slowly nowadays. My mentor has not-so-subtly hinted for me to write about Singapore. So if you’ve any ideas, I’m all ears, people!

PS. OBAMA WON! I have high hopes for the man, really. (:

Wonderville Asylum for the Under 18

Yay! I wrote a new script for 24h playwriting competition. The comments I’ve gotten for it have been things like “It’s damn freaky.” & “Yao Guang, you’re sick.” Yea, so you can guess how freakish Wonderville Asylum for the Under 18 is. I really want to work on improving this script ’cause first of all, this is my second proper attempt at a script and it’s a totally different style from the previous “Being Perfect”. Well, while I don’t really think scriptwriting is my forté, I think writing scripts is a really fun thing to do, unless you have to write it in 24 hours, in which case is a nightmare. Trust me, even the caffeine overdose doesn’t help much.

National Day was fun! Ok, there were some boring bits here and there. But I did win 40 dollars worth of NUM vouchers. ^^ I’m looking forward to getting a pair of Havaianas. I pity the school though. They must have spent an extravagant sum on the stage and it didn’t even get used cos’ of the wet weather.

Speaking of extravagant. I think Beijing has the most expensive Olympics opening ceremony in history with 40 billion dollars spent. No wonder they could afford to colour the entire sky in fireworks. I thought Singapore could have been more original in their entrance though. So forgettable they were.

Anyway, I don’t know if I should be looking forward to the IMCB attachment. I still don’t understand why I even signed up for it in the first place. But, heck, anything’s better than boring old school right?

So, I just want to thank God for all the things that have happened in my life these past few weeks. For being with me every moment of my life, watching me, crying with me, laughing with me and taking my burdens onto his broad shoulders. It’s been a hell of a ride, with bumps and slow monotonous junctures, but I still made it out alive.

And I just want to share these nice lyrics from a Casting Crowns song, East to West:

Jesus, You know just how far
The East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far
The East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

I thought the lyrics were very meaningful and original, maybe even comparable to Donne’s metaphors in his Holy Sonnets.

P.S. HAPPY 43RD BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!!! (My, my, I hope we aren’t entering into any mid-life crisis…)

Bubblehead

Ok. Too much has happened since the last post that I don’t know where to start.

But I know one thing. Life is dulling for me. All the novelty of coming to a new school and taking part in exciting new activites that I’ve never done before - it’s all fading. It feels like being in an over-rehearsed play. Everything becomes so… predictable.  And I’m not just talking about the boring cycle of dragging yourself out of bed every morning. Even my CCAs are becoming so routine and the activities that I’m part of look so inconsequential in the bigger scheme of things.

I get this feeling that life in school is like living in a bubble. I’ve never quite felt this way before but now that I’m pushing against the boundaries of this bubble, I realise how close I am to the outside and I wonder what I’m ever going to do out there.

Come on. I’ve seen all this before. The way people handle relationships, pull strings, manipulate others. The plans are always the same, just with different targets in mind. If that’s bad, reactions are even more predictable. Once you know someone’s personality, you can get whatever reaction you want out of him if you’re smart enough. Just provide the correct stimuli and you get the person moving in the direction you want him/her to. That’s not to say that I manipulate people well. I wish I could do that as well as Iago does. I’m just not good enough yet. Frankly, I don’t see the big fuss in manipulating people. We do that all the time anyway, even if we don’t realise it. So when someone actually harnesses that ability and uses it consciously, it’s bad? I see it as a show of intelligence.

It’s so freaking boring that I’ll embrace anything that drags me away from this painful monotony, even a short 3 day attachment at a science lab. God, unchanging, exciting God, show me the meaning of exciting in this overstaged play. Show me that even the mundane things I’m doing are not for myself, not even for others, but for Your glory. And Your glory alone.

Disclaimer: I’m not particularly coherent in this post so if you think I’m just spouting nonsense, you’re probably right. This post was just to straighten out my jumbled thoughts and believe me, my thoughts right now are very jumbled indeed.

The two-way mirror called time

I think I’m seeing clearer nowadays. Figuratively of course. I’m finally figuring out where my talent and interest lie and understanding that not everything I like’s meant for me. No matter how much I try to be superhuman like the people I admire, I realise more now that everyone’s got different limits to how much they can handle. For the really high acheivers, that limit lies somewhere in the stratosphere but for mortals like me, I need to learn where to stop.

Someone once pointed out that I either want too many things or I don’t know what I want. I just can’t figure out why I have to give some things up just so I can have others. It’s some stupid greedy streak in me that just wants to have a hand in everything. Everything from arts to science, from leadership to academics, from planning projects to volunteering for them, from working hard to playing hard. Something’s got to give eventually and health’s usually the first brick to fall. Then grades. Or relationships. You can’t have everything. That’s nature’s rule.

I like rest. It’s quiet moments when I’m bogged down only by the smaller and less naggy worries (like PW) that I finally get to draw close to God. It’s also the time I get to reflect on the things that He’s been doing. You know how sometimes you pray so fervently for something, but God doesn’t seem to answer you? He does actually.

Some people say that time’s a two-way mirror. A two-way mirror allows you to see from a darkened room into a lighted one but not vice-versa. When applied to time, we call it ”retrospect”. God would probably call it dramatic irony. Sometimes when we pray, we have in our minds already painted such vivid images of that object of desire that when He answers our prayers in a different way from what we expect, we think He must either be hard of hearing or sleeping. So we keep pestering our tireless God with our tiresome requests and everytime He tries to tell us that He’s already done it for us, our hardened hearts deny it. It’s only later on when He takes it away from us that we realise how we’ve been made fools.

We serve a God of creation, a God who knows how everything falls into place in the jigsaw frame of time. So don’t expect your second-rate plans to be answered down to the minutest details. There’s an infinte number of ways God can answer you and if you can’t hear that answer because you’re tuned to a different wavelength, you’ll miss it. So I’m reminding myself to listen closely to God so I know exactly what He’s doing in my life and I don’t miss anything out. I’m so embarassed to say that there were times when I prayed till tears came and still couldn’t see God’s hand. And now I just feel stupid and I’m praying God will show enough mercy to give me another chance.

On a side note, Youth Day’s today! (Actually it’s yesterday but today feels more like it.) It feels great to go out again. We’re shopping for Sadikin’s long overdue birthday present. Sorry dear! Oh yea, I can’t wait to watch Hedge Ledger as the Joker once the new movie comes out! The media’s totally buzzing about how stellar his “dark and anarchic” performance as the supervillian was.

Apokalupsis Eschaton

I seem to have quite a knack that I don’t quite understand for posting late at night.

Another thing that keeps happening to me is that people around me keep talking about Doomsday. A while back a friend of mine worriedly asked me whether the world was about to end. I was secretly rather amused at her anxiety but it got me hooked onto doing a bit of research on doomsday theories. Then my pastor brought up the end times in his sermon today and somehow or another I ended up talking with my cousins about the end of the world at dinner. (Definitely not the happiest topic to bring up on Fathers’ Day)

With all the talk on how humans seem to be destroying the earth we live in, it’s no surprise that people are getting more concerned with the end times. According to the Mayan Calendar, the end of this age will come on Dec 21 2012. Some people take that to mean the end of the world. Scientists have come up with a Doomsday Clock that ticks down to midnight, which is supposed to symbolise a nuclear war. Currently the clock stands at five minutes to midnight.

5 more minutes to midnight? 2012? For all you know, they might be right. But I believe in God most.

Now, the Bible has a lot to say about the end of the world and it’s all extremely fascinating. Most of it is recorded in Daniel and Revelations but other books also record prophecies concerning the end. Many Christians believe that we’re currently living in the end times (beginning of the end) that the Bible warns us about, complete with the forewarned natural disasters and rumours of wars happening. You’ve got to admit, these things have been occuring quite frequently. I won’t be going so much into detail here but anyone interested can always ask me.

Well, I have to admit that I’m definitely not 100% right. Countless others before me have tried to predict the end of the world. They’ve been at it since even before Christ. There were some who said that the bombing of the Japanese cities in World War II would signal the coming of the end and here we are, still alive and worrying for our transient lives. The Bible does after all say that the time will come like a thief in the night. God certainly likes to keep us on our toes.

So because I don’t know whether I’ll manage to see the end of the world in my lifetime, I’m stuck mugging for my CTs next week and wishing I had the willpower to start earlier. I’ve already cancelled all my outings this week except for one obligatory OG lunch to free up as much time as possible for study but still I’m not sure if I can complete in time. The Bio notes are threatening to bury me in a pile of cellulose molecules, DNA and enzymes. Gosh, I sound like a mugger. Then again, maybe becoming one would help to save my slipping grades.

On a more bubbleheaded note, this is a cheesy scene I thought of when I was lying down, back arched to the wooden curve of the Henderson Waves bridge. Trust me, the place is so beautiful in the dark it’s hard not for your mind to spin crappy stories in an attempt to compliment the setting with a make believe storyline.

A: You know what would make this night sky perfect?
B: What?
A: Stars. I can’t see any of them.
B: Really? I see one right next to me.

Usually I balk at cheesy stuff like that and feel like slapping myself hard. But on that day I just smiled at the silliness of my overactive imagination. Who knows? Maybe one day they won’t just be lines in my head and the characters not just figments of my imagination. Me and my wishful thinking.